Daydream

    I can't explain how I feel, I never can. I tell people how I feel about things, but it's never the full feeling of what I'm seeing it as, what my brain is processing it as. I've never fully had access to being able to share anything completely. There's nothing stopping me, nothing in my way yet my brain thinks there's always a road block that I've gotta be prepared for, leaves me thinking why I didn't say a certain thing or perform a certain action. I think a lot about so many things, my minds constantly always running, sometimes on loop it feels like. Having to go through the same steps everyday, classes then food then work then back to the apartment. It's a new living situation I've gotta get used to. Usually it takes me longer to get used to things but this was fairly easy. I see people walking around with friend groups already and it makes me wonder why things aren't that easy for me, where things went wrong with me earlier on in life. I've always been shy in person, rather than how I am online. I like speaking to people when I get the courage and grow closer to them in person. You see the raw emotion of someone rather than sitting behind a screen waiting on a response from someone. You get the immediate reaction rather than waiting hours for a possible response yet you don't actually know. I've always wondered what's wrong with me because I know there's something wrong. It's strange to think like this, sit and your mind be stuck on events that happened years ago. I can't forget a lot of things that have happened. I keep going back to middle school, small things that happened during days that I somehow remember yet they don't even have any importance to them. I remember my brother getting tested as a kid and having a speech problem and I was being accepted into the gifted program for kids. That program meant something to me at first, but now looking back at it, the whole thing felt stupid. The program didn't even teach you anything. You sat there and ate candy while coloring. What do you learn from that? Nothing, there's nothing to learn.

    "You're so good at math", my family reminds me constantly. I feel the exact opposite. I went into the gifted program because of how high I scored in math but I always felt held back by that exact subject. It came easy to me sometimes but other times I sat there feeling stupid over simple questions. Trig in college made everything worse, am I even good at math or have I been lied to over and over just for the sake of my own happiness? Stupid question, I always have a stupid question to ask and I end up asking them majority of the time just to regret it immediately afterwards. In the middle of a lecture, I sit and ponder on what has happened throughout my life, my friends, how life itself functions, how I function, how I'd be if I changed myself into a completely different person. There's so many things I could add, a huge ass list just of words running through my head. It pisses me off, I piss myself off more than other people actually pissing me off. I used to love myself a lot, so much that nothing bothered me but now I go days wanting to end everything here. I'm tired of many things, my family stresses me out sometimes, I get upset every time I respond to my grandparents a certain way, I want to apologize but I end up crying about it and thinking it over for the next few days. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm just human but there's more to it, I know there is. I don't know who I am at this point, I'm just trying to function and go about my day without letting my emotions overwork themselves to the point where the smallest things piss me off and I have a panic attack or anxiety attack over them. I wanna be like other people, the ones who strive to do things so easily, ones who can talk to others with no problem, I want to be like them so bad, I always have. Fall is on its way and I know things won't be easy, they're never easy when it gets colder outside. My family keeps changing and now holidays aren't easy. I miss my great grandma so much, my brothers piss me off so much, I don't know how I feel about my mom. She pisses me off so much but I can't hate her no matter how much I want to. I love her and I cry about it. I wish things could of been different. I miss when I was younger yet I'm glad things have changed. My dad is getting better, it makes me happy. My aunt and uncle are getting older and it upsets me because I know they're beginning to lose their memory and forget things more and more easily, calling me every day and repeating what was said yesterday. I don't argue and say that I already know what was said though, I let them say it and respond, continuing on and going with the phone call about other things.

    I want one thing and one thing only, I want to be hugged by someone. It sounds stupid but I genuinely want a hug. I haven't been hugged since I graduated from community college and that day was one of the happiest yet saddest days of my life because I had to leave one of the people who felt like a second mom to me. I loved going to work because I got to see her and talk to her, I miss her. I plan to go and see her sometime, pick her up a present before I go. I miss my friends back at home, the two close ones I have in person, I wish they were here at college with me. I want to be hugged and held by someone, anyone. Be told that it's okay to be like this and that things will get better eventually. I don't want them to let go, ever. Let it go on for hours and hours until I fall asleep. I want to feel at peace with myself and not feel as if something bad is going to happen. I want my mind to feel at ease with people and the world, I want my anxiety to calm down, I want to be more open, I want to be able to express myself easier, I want to be able to control my emotions, I want to have more friends without feeling overwhelmed so easily. I want to be able to be me without feeling so complex. I won't ever achieve that goal but I can always day dream about it. Do what makes you feel happy.